


Love Still Kept Open

by RogueLioness



Series: Thedosian Tales [6]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Trespasser, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-21 10:13:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13738680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueLioness/pseuds/RogueLioness
Summary: She wants to save him, but she is so tired.





	Love Still Kept Open

She walked through the dark, ominous forest, the trees looming menacingly over her. The ground was covered in sharp thorns that tore and shredded her skin; but not once did she flinch, or show any sign of pain.

She’d done this so many times it had become familiar.

The woods gave way suddenly to a cold grey light, leading her to a cliff’s end. She sat at the edge, her feet swinging freely as she stared into the blackness of the void beneath her, deep and neverending.

And she waited.

A familiar rustle told her that he had found her.

Tonight, unlike all those nights in the past, she did not turn her head to look at him, nor did she try to call him to her.

She knew it was futile.

Instead, she began talking, almost to herself.

“I should hate you, you know,” she began conversationally. “You’ve turned me into this horrible shell of a person. I should be angry. You lied to me for years, even as you told me you loved me. You broke up with me just days before we faced Corypheus… I had half a mind to die with him, did you know that? You knew that the Anchor would kill me, but you waited two years before doing anything, and then you took my arm - to save me, you said, even as you battered me with the truth after the ordeal I had just faced - and you crippled me, both mind and body. And let’s not even get started on your insane plan to destroy this world. Yes,” she mused, “by all rights, I should hate you. If I were a sane person, I likely would. But,” her breath hitched on a sob, “I can’t. I’ve tried, believe me I have, but how can I hate someone who has been a part of me?”

The tears were running freely down her face now. “Do you remember how we used to argue in Haven, when we were getting to know each other? We’d be outside your hut, on the wall outside, and you told me stories of the Fade. I was never cold, even though I should have been, because I didn’t realize you had were keeping me warm.” Her lips quirked into a half smile as she relived the memory. “When Haven fell, and I trudged through that blizzard, all I wanted was to see you.  _One last time_ , I thought to myself,  _if I just see your face one last time I can die happy._  I should have known then that you were trouble.” she laughed mirthlessly. 

“Do you remember all those times you would come up to my room in Skyhold and help me with all my reports? I hated them, I thought they were boring and useless but you patiently sat and guided me through them. And what about that time when I was practicing my magic, and I accidentally hit you with my stonefist? I thought you’d be angry, but you just smiled, and then froze my feet to the ground so you could pelt me with snowballs.” She sniffed. “I think I miss that the most. I miss touching you, I miss the feeling of your calloused fingertips on my face, I miss not having your warmth surrounding me when I sleep. It’s been years,  _vhenan_ , and still each morning when I wake up I reach out for you, and still each morning my heart breaks anew when I find you missing.. But more than that,  _ma sa’lath_ , I miss just being around you. Curling up to you on the sofa while we each read our books. Or all those times you would be sitting on your scaffold, painting, while I sat next to you and tried to distract you. Or when we would sneak out of Skyhold, to that cave nearby, and eat frilly cakes and drink the expensive Orlesian wine.”

“How can I hate you,” she whispered, “when I know how it feels to have your heart beating against mine? When I have seen you shed tears over a wound I received? How do I hate the man who has, a thousand times over, healed me even at the cost of remaining injured himself? Where will I find another who can kiss me the way you used to?”

She sighed, and rested her hands on the ground for support. “Sometimes I wonder if I should just take your advice, my love. To go back to my clan and live out the rest of my days. Maybe even find a partner I can tolerate, and have a family.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I wanted that. With you. I’ve pictured, a hundred thousand times, spending the rest of my life with you  _vhenan’ara_. We’d have a place to ourselves, just you and I, tucked away in the forest. We would read, and you would paint, and we would hunt together. And we had children,” her voice was filled with pain and longing, “twin girls who had your eyes and my smile, and a baby boy who looked just like you. You doted on them all,” her heart was splintering, “and one night, when the girls accidentally set fire to their favorite toy as they were fighting over it, it was you who remained calm and soothed them. I was too busy trying to put the flames out and celebrating,” she chuckled. “You were so patient with them, always. And you argued, a lot, with Dorian about how to teach them. And the number of times you would sneak them sweets even after I’d punished them!” her tone was fond. “They had you - and I - wrapped around their little finger.”

Behind her, the wolf howled, long and mournful and yearning.

“I don’t know how much longer I can go on, Solas,” she confessed. “I’m trying. I am. But it’s getting harder for me to get out of bed each morning. I come here each night,” she stared into the void again, “and every part of me wants to jump in. To let myself go, and just… not  _feel_. It would be a relief…” she looked down at it, mesmerized. “Such a relief…” she murmured, and leaned forwards, closing her eyes and waiting for the inevitable fall.

It never came. Instead, she was pulled backwards, a firm grip tugging at her clothes. She found herself flat on her back in the middle of the cave at Crestwood…  _where he had broken her heart_  - and she jumped up to her feet, backing away from the wolf who stared longingly at her. “This is cruel, Solas,” she sobbed. “Why would you bring me here? Why won’t you just let me fall? It would help you, wouldn’t it? You would have no one to stop you!”

The air shimmered, and the man she loved stood before her. Her eyes roved over his face hungrily, drinking in every detail; it had been so long, and she was so parched.

“ _Vhenan,”_ he pulled her into his arms, and she wept, relishing his warmth and the scent of him. “You promised me, did you not?” His lips brushed across her forehead reverentially, his thumbs brushing away her tears. “ _Var lath vir suledin_ ,” he reminded her. “You swore to me. Would you break your promise?”

“And I will,” she said quietly. “Always. But I can’t go on, Solas. I am so tired…”

He kissed her, softly, gently, his need for her greater than even hers for him at that moment. “What can I do to help?” he asked. 

“Come back to me,” she replied promptly, and he chuckled. “That I cannot do,” he said regretfully, “nor will I allow you to walk the path I have started.”

“Then come to me in the Fade, if you will not in the waking world,” she countered. “Let me be with you each night.”

He looked torn.

“Please,” she pleaded. “ _Ma lath_ , you give me strength to keep going. Would you deny me this?”

He sighed in resignation, the temptation too great for him to ignore. “Very well,” he promised. “I will meet you in the Fade every night,  _vhenan_.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” he kissed the tip of her nose. “Now, however… you need to  _wake up_.”

When she opened her eyes, for the first time in three years her heart was not heavy.


End file.
